Humour under the hammer - IPL auction day 1

Today is the day 1 of the much followed IPL player auction 2011. As we have one more day to go, there is no denying that the auctions have been more interesting to watch than IPL itself. Meanwhile, sources very close to the players auctioned (an altered form of the Wikileaks, calling itself the Whacky leaks) reveal never-before published and never-ever-to-be-published reactions. Excerpts of the reactions as follows...




Sorted teamwise:

Mike Hussey: Huh! My efforts to learn to eat Masala Dosa with hands in calculated pinches dipped into 5 ml of sambhar and 4 gm of chutney with a flick of the wrist coupled with a stiff head and steady posture have paid off. I am a naturalized local now! Gotta learn the word Vijay said about Ponting now soon...

Dwayne Bravo: Enough of my slow balls now. See, it has rubbed off. Nobody was hurried to pick me up. Should start practising pace now.

Wridhiman Saha: I have to find the meaning of the sentence Vijay has told me. Whom do I ask what "வந்தாரை வாழவைக்கும் தமிழ் நாடு" means? Even Dhoni says he has only picked up till "கொய்யாலே" so far..

Ashwin: Is it true that Fevicol secretly asked my team's bidder if they can use footage of him holding to the bidding board when I was volleyed between Bangalore and Chennai?

Kevin Pieterson: Looks like I have to get my ultra blue hair-dos again now... Watched a few movies of my fosterland. My flamboyance was nothing compared to their costumes dude

Dale Steyn: The boss called me and said my bowling has to be more fiery and hot than a so-called 'Gongura' chutney. Now tell me where on earth do I find a you-know-what?

Cameron White: Well, only after seeing some Telugu movies can I make out why they went all out for me and KP. They must have surely remembered our blue hair-dos

Shikhar Dhawan: With all these Telangana issues going on, is my franchise trying to strengthen his ties with Delhi ? Me, Ishant, Mishy...Gotta call my Ranji mates to be padded up for day 2

Irfan Pathan: Well, big swing in my fortune definitely. Let's see how much the other swing comes right this time around

James Hopes: Well, there were not many hopes on me I suppose, only 350 thousand?

Morne Morkel: They say Delhi being really cold this time of the year and all, it is not ideal for high altitudes. Should really cut down on stand-up time

Naman Ojha: No decent spinner yet. Were they sure of buying me? God the last thing I want is to asked to bowl left-arm over now

Adam Gilchrist: 900,000? All this even after repeatedly warning them that I may be called (read begged) back for national duty anytime? Balle Balle

Dinesh Karthik: Dhoni blocks me in the Indian squad. Gilchrist stands in the line now. How I long to stand behind the stumps as first choice? Better they call Gilly to national duty soon enough now

Stuart Broad: Ha! Revenge time.. I get to hug Preity now ...

Shaun Marsh: I heard Indian bureaucracy pays a lot of respect for seniority. What is the procedure to claim my rights here as the long residing citizen?

Sreesanth: Mahela and Murali from just across the sea:-) Gotta practice "Kadalinakkara Porore" .. May come useful in team meetings

Ravindra Jadeja: Hurray! Now if anything goes wrong they won't blame me. I can say it is the fault of the management!

Muthiah Muralitharan: Sri Lanka. Tamil Nadu. Now Kerala. True my world is getting more and more westernized with every passing season

Ramesh Powar: Should remember not to go too close to the harbour. I might be mistaken for an oil barrel and loaded in a cargo, you see.

Gautam Gambhir: Seems Dada does not fit into the 'angry YOUNG man' mould anymore. That is why they have picked me. But did they not say SRK did not much take a liking to the Big B?

Yusuf Pathan: Gotta send message to Warne thanking him for recognizing the big man in me. How many metres is Jaipur along the mid-wicket boundary from Eden Gardens?

Jacques Kallis: First thing to do when I meet SRK.... should ask him if my new wig fits properly and get more cosmetic tips. He is the heart-throb, isn't he?

Brett Lee: Well, it seems having only one retired  'pale-shadow-of-himself'  player in the team is a matter of policy. Seems Ricky saved some humiliation too by not turning up. O I forgot, he is not YET the retired  'pale-shadow-of-himself'  player ! I must be getting old

Sachin Tendulkar: Field placements rule #1 - Bhajji on third man boundary; Symonds on long-on boundary. ALWAYS! Captaincy is going to be tough!

Harbhajan Singh: No no.. I am the official all-rounder in the team. They might have picked him as a support spinner

Andrew Symonds: Should call up Sreesanth asap. He may be knowing some defence tactics. Experience is the best teacher you know!

Lasith Malinga: Well, it seems the dressing room situation is now going to have more hard knots than on my hair, or even his hair, or even... O yeah .. we don't get to see his hair, alrite!

Yuvraj Singh: Where do I focus now? Getting captaincy of the franchise or getting a slot in the national team or in the 'Preserving Preity from Broad mission' or in the mid wicket boundary or in the Paan masala advertisement endorsement shoot?

Greame Smith: How many broken finger holidays are allowed in the contract?

Robin Uthappa: I must have had something really lucky for breakfast today. O yeah.. don't tell me you don't know what it is

Ashish Nehra: With Yuvraj grappling with too many things to focus on, and me being me the senior player and all, you know, I think I should take over the responsibility of field settings at least...

Shane Warne: How do I turn this one around now?

Rahul Dravid: Should start reading 'How to construct strong walls on desert sands?: Secrets revised for people who once mastered it but are forgetting now'

Johan Botha: Albie said he heard something that rhymed very closely with my name in the Chennai dressing room when they were discussing my bid price. Did you hear that?

Paul Collingwood: The point is I am getting too old to field at point anymore. Should tell Warnie about that. Someplace in the deep maybe, because you see there is already stiff competition between Warnie and Rahul for the slips

Zaheer Khan: I have sent so many people back to the pavillion so far. Feels different to be back in the pavillion myself now. This is where it all started. Not very nostalgic days though :-)

Daniel Vettori: Well, at least I won't look odd here. If I wear a formal shirt and pant, I will so easily blend with the countless bespectacled geeky software employees on the roads of this city, won't I?

Saurabh Tiwary: Of course, I have made big money already and there is no dearth of booze here. But I should remember not to let my hair down easily

Tilakaratne Dilshan: AB, Daniel and Dirk! And me! I knew this Mallaya is filthy rich. But never imagined he would be rich enough to buy all the foreign resources out of the capital of a country

Day 2 ..... I am eager too :-) Watch out for more secrets revealed from the Unsold XI players and players freshly auctioned into these teams tomorrow.

As Mallaya always said,
Cheers
GS